Forgiving yourself for your mistakes…

last night I had a really vivid dream about an ex-best friend, and it was the most surreal dream I’ve had in a long time. We had both changed, in a lot of ways I didn’t quite recognise her but I knew it was her. She had dyed her hair pink, she had even changed her style to more of a punky skater chick. She looked really good, glowy even, like she used to.

The thing was, in this dream we both confronted the uncomfortable feeling between us in a really grown up way. Enough time had gone by that we had both forgiven one another for all our previous mistakes. It was so strange to have this dream almost in the future. We had a conversation as we were at a party, we even hugged, and then moved on in our separate ways.

When I woke up I felt so warm and content… like it had happened, like closure, and when I realised it hadn’t it was like a sinking all over again. It’s such a weird thing to miss someone this way, especially someone that wasn’t necessarily a boyfriend or relationship. We kinda associate heartbreak and mourning with death or romantic love, but you can mourn the end of a friendship almost in the same way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this person, and about other people that I am no longer in contact with. And the difference to how I see them all now as opposed to just a few months ago is amazing. I’ve spent so long demonising people that I feel have done me wrong, that it clouded my own perception of how things happened. You do find that you look back at these times and it hurts your stomach physically to think “fuck, I was that person, I treated someone this way, I acted in that way and it may have caused this…” etc etc. Doing inner shadow work kindof does this, I guess it’s how you know you’re not that person anymore?

Everyone has a reason for acting the way that they do, whether they say hurtful things to you because they feel that you started it, whether it stems from childhood insecurities, or they might just not be a nice person. There’s no telling for sure I guess, because nobody has the same soul you do. Nobody thinks in the same way as you. That seems like a part of growing and letting old pain and hurt go, sometimes you have to forgive yourself for your own mistakes and causing pain or continuing a cycle of ignorance. Holding on to things like this just poisons you over time I think.

I don’t really know what the point in posting this here was… grasping for that amicable closure by releasing it here I guess. At the end of the day, Im now in a place where I wish well on anyone that I no longer know, whether they’ve hurt me or I’ve hurt them, or just simple growing apart. There’s no time to hold on to these feelings of bitterness or resentment, it just ends up poisoning yourself and your own happiness in the long run.

Every day

is another victory, though it seems small the fact that you are still here is amazing. That you are still breathing, walking this earth, your heart is beating and you are alive. You might not have chosen to still be here but here you are, looking for the good things to live for – no matter how you’ve felt inside. That is so brave and I am so proud of you.

Catching up

Hey guys, I’ve been pretty absent from here lately and slack with posting but it’s for good reasons really because I’m feeling a whoooole lot better in myself than I have been for ages.

Sometimes what you really need is to be alone for a while, and to do you. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing for a change. It’s mad the difference that can make. To take care of your body and remove some of your worries – take a step back and see them for what they are. Survivable.

Just one step at a time. Instead of feeling like the top is endless and unreachable. It’s all about small victories.

Finally feeling like myself again.

It’s been a long time… but I’ve got the shine and motivation back for a change. Now to make it a regular habit to look after me. Even if it means secluding myself from certain habits, people and situations.

β™₯️

πŸ’•Gushy post warningπŸ’•

but I never feel like I’m able to fully express how in love I am with this person.

being in love is so amazing, beautiful, uplifting, scary but incredibly safe when it’s with the right person. I have never felt safer with someone, than with this gorgeous guy who knows me completely, calls me out on my crap, but also cares and loves me so deeply.

we were just short of three years together when we ended our relationship (about a year ago now). we both became people we weren’t and we couldn’t communicate. mental health played a huge part in it, but a significant amount was also down to both of our personal failures to communicate with eachother, and hold grudges. we took things out on eachother and saw it as us against one another, not us vs a problem.

we both tried to move on with other people, and it just wouldn’t work. outright denial and both repressing how we really felt and acting like it was fine. almost 9 months later we bumped into each other at a festival… and it was undeniable. how can you deny still being in love with someone you shared everything with for years.

it hit me like a ton of bricks, even though I had tried to move on… it just wasn’t possible. have you ever pretended to be okay with something that cut you up inside so much that you just fully repressed it and weren’t even aware that you were still hurting??! I didn’t deal with the ending of our relationship until this point, until I saw that beautiful face and had to try to act like I was his friend… and I couldn’t leave my bed for two days I was broken hearted.

Luckily he felt the same way, we have both shared with eachother the explicit pains of the time we spent apart from eachother. and I consider myself incredibly lucky that this amazing person who has seen and helped me grow so much (when we started dating in 2014 I was 20 omfg) and lifted me through every hard experience… that he is back in my life to stay.

He is the one that consoled me when my childhood pet died, covered her body for me when I couldn’t face her and pulled me through the panic attack brought on by my suddenly finding her dead while my parents were away. He has talked me through countless meltdowns, listened to my whining, took care of me every time I was sick or had a bad period pain (I have them really bad sometimes I can’t even move). He came to my graduation, he took me to Paris and treated me to a day at Disneyland. He’s loved me throughout… plus he is the reason I was able to impulse buy my kitten – she was OURS and losing him felt like our little family had broken up. He has seen and helped me grow from a depressive, self righteous 20 year old who wouldn’t listen, into someone that is at least a bit better than that nearly 4 years later. He was and continues to be… my first real love.

Our relationship before we broke up was far from perfect, but that’s because we stopped communicating about things and we both lost a best friend in doing so. Love is hard, it takes work from both parties, it takes courage and understanding, being willing to listen and trust. And not sharing your mental health and communicating with that person can lead to a toxic environment and you can hinder something truly special if you don’t confide in your partner.

Our relationship now isn’t perfect either, no relationship is. but my gosh is it so much happier and healthier than it was before. I’m so genuinely happy with him that I just wanna cry. Love is beautiful, especially a true, honest, trusting, goofy best friend and lovers unconditional type of love.

(He will hate me for uploading this fucking adorable picture of his face but idc I love it)

To self, or to the past.

Yes I have changed. And I believe for the better.

I have seen some shit, been taken advantage of, been used and manipulated and lied to. Taken for a mug. I’ve loved and lost and loved and hated. The last six months of my life have been both the best and the worst. If I could go back in time I would go back to the start of this year and do it all differently. if only it were possible to unmeet someone.

But it isn’t. And I have to live with the decisions I’ve made, and therefore the things that happened to me because of those decisions. but then again so do you. You have to live with yourself. and I wouldn’t be in your shoes for all the money in the world.

But, I will not let what has happened destroy me. Never. You wont have that satisfaction. I will not be hardened, I will continue to love and have joy and happiness, all because I deserve to. I will remain soft as I have always been, but fierce.

So I have changed, because I have chosen to. I will no longer be lied to or walked over, taken for an idiot, twisted around anyone’s finger. I have evolved, i am unshakeable, yet deeply empathic, loving and full of fire.

Nobody will take that away from me.