Forgiving yourself for your mistakes…

last night I had a really vivid dream about an ex-best friend, and it was the most surreal dream I’ve had in a long time. We had both changed, in a lot of ways I didn’t quite recognise her but I knew it was her. She had dyed her hair pink, she had even changed her style to more of a punky skater chick. She looked really good, glowy even, like she used to.

The thing was, in this dream we both confronted the uncomfortable feeling between us in a really grown up way. Enough time had gone by that we had both forgiven one another for all our previous mistakes. It was so strange to have this dream almost in the future. We had a conversation as we were at a party, we even hugged, and then moved on in our separate ways.

When I woke up I felt so warm and content… like it had happened, like closure, and when I realised it hadn’t it was like a sinking all over again. It’s such a weird thing to miss someone this way, especially someone that wasn’t necessarily a boyfriend or relationship. We kinda associate heartbreak and mourning with death or romantic love, but you can mourn the end of a friendship almost in the same way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this person, and about other people that I am no longer in contact with. And the difference to how I see them all now as opposed to just a few months ago is amazing. I’ve spent so long demonising people that I feel have done me wrong, that it clouded my own perception of how things happened. You do find that you look back at these times and it hurts your stomach physically to think “fuck, I was that person, I treated someone this way, I acted in that way and it may have caused this…” etc etc. Doing inner shadow work kindof does this, I guess it’s how you know you’re not that person anymore?

Everyone has a reason for acting the way that they do, whether they say hurtful things to you because they feel that you started it, whether it stems from childhood insecurities, or they might just not be a nice person. There’s no telling for sure I guess, because nobody has the same soul you do. Nobody thinks in the same way as you. That seems like a part of growing and letting old pain and hurt go, sometimes you have to forgive yourself for your own mistakes and causing pain or continuing a cycle of ignorance. Holding on to things like this just poisons you over time I think.

I don’t really know what the point in posting this here was… grasping for that amicable closure by releasing it here I guess. At the end of the day, Im now in a place where I wish well on anyone that I no longer know, whether they’ve hurt me or I’ve hurt them, or just simple growing apart. There’s no time to hold on to these feelings of bitterness or resentment, it just ends up poisoning yourself and your own happiness in the long run.

Every day

is another victory, though it seems small the fact that you are still here is amazing. That you are still breathing, walking this earth, your heart is beating and you are alive. You might not have chosen to still be here but here you are, looking for the good things to live for – no matter how you’ve felt inside. That is so brave and I am so proud of you.

Catching up

Hey guys, I’ve been pretty absent from here lately and slack with posting but it’s for good reasons really because I’m feeling a whoooole lot better in myself than I have been for ages.

Sometimes what you really need is to be alone for a while, and to do you. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing for a change. It’s mad the difference that can make. To take care of your body and remove some of your worries – take a step back and see them for what they are. Survivable.

Just one step at a time. Instead of feeling like the top is endless and unreachable. It’s all about small victories.

Finally feeling like myself again.

It’s been a long time… but I’ve got the shine and motivation back for a change. Now to make it a regular habit to look after me. Even if it means secluding myself from certain habits, people and situations.

Listening to your body

When you look at yourself in the mirror, instead of thinking about how your body looks.. instead ask it how it feels.

How do you feel?

Are you stressed or anxious? Do you have physical pain? Is there a knot in your stomach? Are you feeling slow? Lethargic?

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Are you eating well, are you surrounding yourself with positive people and situations. Are you happy, where you are? If not… how can you take steps towards becoming happy?

Your mental health can really sneak up on you if you forget to care for your physical being. Something I’m now learning and pushing through. Even if you can’t bring yourself to exercise or eat perfectly, you can still drink plenty of water, maybe take a multivitamin each day and try not to eat too many naughty things! It won’t cure anything, but it can sure help how you feel on the inside.. which can impact your mental health in the most positive way.

Think about what your body needs to survive, and whether you are giving it exactly that, or if you’re failing to… why?

Suicide prevention day

To anyone who is going through those thoughts, it’s okay and safe to talk. You aren’t alone, as cliche and over-used those words have become please know that it’s true, and that you don’t have to go through this by yourself. Nobody blames you, or believes you’re a burden, you are so worthy of happiness and love. You are also allowed to feel how you do, just please know that it is temporary, this doesn’t have to be the end and there are so many beautiful things to live for.

looking through the hashtag #suicidepreventionday and completely in awe of how many people are posting, speaking, opening up, helping. If we talk we can put an end to the stigma, and that will help in the prevention of suicide. More people would seek help, especially men, if they knew it was okay to speak, or even just to have emotions at all. I recently shared my history with suicide which was deeply uncomfortable and in honesty I haven’t brought myself to look at the post or read it back since, but it is #suicidepreventionmonth and there are so many people who have been in that place too. We are all here.

Solitude.. or isolation

Over the last… well I guess few weeks… maybe months… I don’t know really, I’ve been progressively isolating myself from those around me. In some ways by choice, and some accidental. I guess that the accidental isolation and failure to be there for some of the people that have needed me lead me to isolate myself further.

Lately it’s been the decision to avoid social media for a while… specifically I guess from Instagram and Facebook. There are toxic behaviours that social media platforms encourage. Vanity, ego, materialism, the overwhelming need for the approval of strangers. But it’s not real.

What is real is life outside of a screen, friends in real life (though of course – online friends also matter), life experiences, going out and experiencing it. And not going places or performing good deeds with the pure intention of posting it online for the gratification of others.

I’ve found since stepping away from these applications that my head is less muddled. I am more thoughtful, my memory is better, I am reading, thinking and choosing to learn to try to better myself. Reaching out to loved ones. Paying more attention to my intuition. Questioning how I want to move forward.

But I’m also seeing where I have been failing. Why some friendships have gone without contact for so long. How I have become someone I do not want to be. Sucked into that technological world, you forget about the things that really matter. How I have been running away from my demons, using distractions and not coming to terms with the shit cards I have been dealt this year.

But I’m proud that I’m stepping back from it now, before some of those that matter most to me disappear. I can now focus on facing what I have been running from, and rebuilding my relationship. I let it slip away before and consider myself so lucky to have a second chance at happiness with my partner of 3 years.

When you turn off your phone, or delete the apps and give yourself that solitude it can be a wonderful and fruitful thing – no wonder The Hermit card has brought me solace it is what I need the most 💗