Forgiving yourself for your mistakes…

last night I had a really vivid dream about an ex-best friend, and it was the most surreal dream I’ve had in a long time. We had both changed, in a lot of ways I didn’t quite recognise her but I knew it was her. She had dyed her hair pink, she had even changed her style to more of a punky skater chick. She looked really good, glowy even, like she used to.

The thing was, in this dream we both confronted the uncomfortable feeling between us in a really grown up way. Enough time had gone by that we had both forgiven one another for all our previous mistakes. It was so strange to have this dream almost in the future. We had a conversation as we were at a party, we even hugged, and then moved on in our separate ways.

When I woke up I felt so warm and content… like it had happened, like closure, and when I realised it hadn’t it was like a sinking all over again. It’s such a weird thing to miss someone this way, especially someone that wasn’t necessarily a boyfriend or relationship. We kinda associate heartbreak and mourning with death or romantic love, but you can mourn the end of a friendship almost in the same way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this person, and about other people that I am no longer in contact with. And the difference to how I see them all now as opposed to just a few months ago is amazing. I’ve spent so long demonising people that I feel have done me wrong, that it clouded my own perception of how things happened. You do find that you look back at these times and it hurts your stomach physically to think “fuck, I was that person, I treated someone this way, I acted in that way and it may have caused this…” etc etc. Doing inner shadow work kindof does this, I guess it’s how you know you’re not that person anymore?

Everyone has a reason for acting the way that they do, whether they say hurtful things to you because they feel that you started it, whether it stems from childhood insecurities, or they might just not be a nice person. There’s no telling for sure I guess, because nobody has the same soul you do. Nobody thinks in the same way as you. That seems like a part of growing and letting old pain and hurt go, sometimes you have to forgive yourself for your own mistakes and causing pain or continuing a cycle of ignorance. Holding on to things like this just poisons you over time I think.

I don’t really know what the point in posting this here was… grasping for that amicable closure by releasing it here I guess. At the end of the day, Im now in a place where I wish well on anyone that I no longer know, whether they’ve hurt me or I’ve hurt them, or just simple growing apart. There’s no time to hold on to these feelings of bitterness or resentment, it just ends up poisoning yourself and your own happiness in the long run.

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