Suicide prevention day

To anyone who is going through those thoughts, it’s okay and safe to talk. You aren’t alone, as cliche and over-used those words have become please know that it’s true, and that you don’t have to go through this by yourself. Nobody blames you, or believes you’re a burden, you are so worthy of happiness and love. You are also allowed to feel how you do, just please know that it is temporary, this doesn’t have to be the end and there are so many beautiful things to live for.

looking through the hashtag #suicidepreventionday and completely in awe of how many people are posting, speaking, opening up, helping. If we talk we can put an end to the stigma, and that will help in the prevention of suicide. More people would seek help, especially men, if they knew it was okay to speak, or even just to have emotions at all. I recently shared my history with suicide which was deeply uncomfortable and in honesty I haven’t brought myself to look at the post or read it back since, but it is #suicidepreventionmonth and there are so many people who have been in that place too. We are all here.

I was silenced by Rape Culture

• trigger warning •

it’s pretty scary that this is going to be an aspect of my past that is openly spoken about here. this is something that haunted me for a long time until I eventually repressed it… and when something triggered my memory and I began to think about this again a few months ago I became so angry.

I am still angry about this 7-8 years later. So the only way I can think is to let it out here.

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I was sexually assaulted while I slept, camping in a tent with three other friends… and my then ex boyfriend. for the longest time I’ve felt like I must have deserved it, like I encouraged it (we had all been drinking the night before and I remember being a bit cuddly with him while we were all chatting) but no, there is no excuse for molestation when someone is asleep next to you, in a tent with three other girls who are also asleep.

I was fully clothed, and all I remember is waking up on top of him. He must have flipped my leg over and pulled me onto him while I slept. He then used my body to rub himself off, and it hurt. It hurt my stomach because we were both fully clothed and his belt dug into me. I didn’t know what to do, I was still half asleep at 5am and suddenly being woken up, drowsy from drinking, so I waited for when he eventually finished, and I then rolled off pretending to be asleep.

now here’s the fucked up bit that makes me angry.

I stopped speaking to him instantly, I couldn’t look at him. I was a deeply socially anxious, depressed and at the time suicidal girl. a month or so later I confronted him. through tumblr of all things. we had an argument with him denying all knowledge of what he did, but also claiming that he “must have been asleep”. he knows what happened and pretended it was like sleep walking. he then publicly posted one of my replies to him (in which I’m being really nasty and arguing with him about it).

at this point two of the people I was close to at the time proceeded to step in. tumblr was great because you could send anonymous messages very easily. one messaged him as himself: telling him not to be a dick and take this post down(or something like that), and the other decided to message him multiple times anonymously… but typing in different ways… calling him a rapist as a scare tactic to get him to take the post down – obv thinking my ex would think it was his followers. I had nothing to do with that, this friend was one of the few standing up for me… but unfortunately that actually caused more pain for me in the long run than it did for my ex.

my ex was an outspoken, charismatic and generally well liked person – and I was shy, reserved, appearing bitchy, judgemental and up myself because of my social anxiety. he obviously panicked and believed that I had told a bunch of people that I had been raped… which was never true. I was molested and never claimed anything different to the very few people I chose to tell. but he told a lot of people that I was claiming that he raped me, seemingly out of the blue. he never had to admit to anyone or himself that he did something wrong, that he molested me in a tent while I slept.

rape is an awful thing, I consider myself very lucky that I have never been a victim, and have the hugest sympathy for anyone who has been through such a serious thing. a moral person does not lie about rape or sexual assault. unfortunately the people who were told about the situation by my ex and myself admittedly made it all worse. But when the subject of rape was brought up, instead of my ex, I was the one that was shunned, judged, called a cunt in the hallways, I lost most of the close friends I had at the time (including all the ones who were present when it happened). those that stuck around and bothered to ask what actually happened are still my best friends today.

this situation caused my isolation, and is heavily linked to my soon to happen afterwards second suicide attempt. all because instead of anyone believing or even bothering to question what happened, I was told that I either must have deserved it or that I made it up for attention.

It’s unfortunately too late for me to stand up and do something. too much time has gone by for this to be taken seriously by anyone. but it doesn’t make the way I was treated okay. it is not okay to tell someone that they are lying, or that because I flirted with him while drunk I was asking for sex. But I slept fully clothed next to him. I was not asking for it. Consent cannot be given when you are unconscious.

It has fucked with my mind for the longest time, and unfortunately effected my future relationships after that point. I became mistrusting, heavily anxious and could not stand physical touch by anyone except someone I truly trusted and knew for a long time. I’m finally standing up for myself and talking about it, because although it was “college drama”, these things can effect you for a long time. we still live in a world that would sooner call a woman an “attention seeker” than question a man for his own immoral actions.

at the end of the day I have only been able to process that something was done to me and that I didn’t ask for it very recently, because of this. And I am angry for the women who have been through worse than I have and remain unable to talk.

Reflecting

~ I’ve been reflecting a lot recently, thinking back to who I was a year ago; letting anxiety rule my life constantly being in fear just to leave the house, focused all of my energy on being someone Im not for the benefit of other people, running away from who I am because it would mean facing up to the reality of depression.

instead boxing it all away and putting on a happy face to keep up appearances. It wasn’t until I burned out and hit rock bottom that I began to open up to the people in my life, also speaking openly about it on ig that I stopped feeling so secluded, like I was wrong or broken.

it just shows how important openly talking about mental health can be, because you begin to realise just how many people are affected too. Since opening up my relationships with those around me have strengthened, and I have been blessed with some of the most gorgeous, kind and wonderful human beings since I began posting it 🌷

those that have and continue to reach out to me over the last year have no idea truly how much love I have in my heart for you, we may not speak often but I consider you guys some of the dearest to me.

I don’t generally go into detail about the struggles I’ve dealt with mentally because I want to keep my social media a happy, but also an open place. There are good days and there are bad days, but they don’t define you as a person. You are worthy of both love and happiness, and sometimes the journey can begin by accepting who you are, that your mental health problems are a part of you, and knowing that you aren’t alone ~ #mh #mhawareness #youarenotalone

This blogs gonna be a mess…

until I get an idea of what and how to actually blog. I’ve started by uploading posts from my instagram account to kind of get rolling with what I want to share and express.

getting through the fear of posting personal details of your life is so scary, especially when those details are not necessarily happy or positive. but that’s why it’s best to do it here because this is not going to be a place of judgement.

anyways, lots of love until I can get this rolling…

💛