Solitude.. or isolation

Over the last… well I guess few weeks… maybe months… I don’t know really, I’ve been progressively isolating myself from those around me. In some ways by choice, and some accidental. I guess that the accidental isolation and failure to be there for some of the people that have needed me lead me to isolate myself further.

Lately it’s been the decision to avoid social media for a while… specifically I guess from Instagram and Facebook. There are toxic behaviours that social media platforms encourage. Vanity, ego, materialism, the overwhelming need for the approval of strangers. But it’s not real.

What is real is life outside of a screen, friends in real life (though of course – online friends also matter), life experiences, going out and experiencing it. And not going places or performing good deeds with the pure intention of posting it online for the gratification of others.

I’ve found since stepping away from these applications that my head is less muddled. I am more thoughtful, my memory is better, I am reading, thinking and choosing to learn to try to better myself. Reaching out to loved ones. Paying more attention to my intuition. Questioning how I want to move forward.

But I’m also seeing where I have been failing. Why some friendships have gone without contact for so long. How I have become someone I do not want to be. Sucked into that technological world, you forget about the things that really matter. How I have been running away from my demons, using distractions and not coming to terms with the shit cards I have been dealt this year.

But I’m proud that I’m stepping back from it now, before some of those that matter most to me disappear. I can now focus on facing what I have been running from, and rebuilding my relationship. I let it slip away before and consider myself so lucky to have a second chance at happiness with my partner of 3 years.

When you turn off your phone, or delete the apps and give yourself that solitude it can be a wonderful and fruitful thing – no wonder The Hermit card has brought me solace it is what I need the most 💗

Grateful to this platform

for allowing me to begin exorcising some of my demons.

It’s all about pushing to become a better person, and you can’t better yourself without taking a good look at the past, admitting mistakes, or where you still hurt, and commit to learning the lessons that wait for you see things for what they are.

To self, or to the past.

Yes I have changed. And I believe for the better.

I have seen some shit, been taken advantage of, been used and manipulated and lied to. Taken for a mug. I’ve loved and lost and loved and hated. The last six months of my life have been both the best and the worst. If I could go back in time I would go back to the start of this year and do it all differently. if only it were possible to unmeet someone.

But it isn’t. And I have to live with the decisions I’ve made, and therefore the things that happened to me because of those decisions. but then again so do you. You have to live with yourself. and I wouldn’t be in your shoes for all the money in the world.

But, I will not let what has happened destroy me. Never. You wont have that satisfaction. I will not be hardened, I will continue to love and have joy and happiness, all because I deserve to. I will remain soft as I have always been, but fierce.

So I have changed, because I have chosen to. I will no longer be lied to or walked over, taken for an idiot, twisted around anyone’s finger. I have evolved, i am unshakeable, yet deeply empathic, loving and full of fire.

Nobody will take that away from me.

I was silenced by Rape Culture

• trigger warning •

it’s pretty scary that this is going to be an aspect of my past that is openly spoken about here. this is something that haunted me for a long time until I eventually repressed it… and when something triggered my memory and I began to think about this again a few months ago I became so angry.

I am still angry about this 7-8 years later. So the only way I can think is to let it out here.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I was sexually assaulted while I slept, camping in a tent with three other friends… and my then ex boyfriend. for the longest time I’ve felt like I must have deserved it, like I encouraged it (we had all been drinking the night before and I remember being a bit cuddly with him while we were all chatting) but no, there is no excuse for molestation when someone is asleep next to you, in a tent with three other girls who are also asleep.

I was fully clothed, and all I remember is waking up on top of him. He must have flipped my leg over and pulled me onto him while I slept. He then used my body to rub himself off, and it hurt. It hurt my stomach because we were both fully clothed and his belt dug into me. I didn’t know what to do, I was still half asleep at 5am and suddenly being woken up, drowsy from drinking, so I waited for when he eventually finished, and I then rolled off pretending to be asleep.

now here’s the fucked up bit that makes me angry.

I stopped speaking to him instantly, I couldn’t look at him. I was a deeply socially anxious, depressed and at the time suicidal girl. a month or so later I confronted him. through tumblr of all things. we had an argument with him denying all knowledge of what he did, but also claiming that he “must have been asleep”. he knows what happened and pretended it was like sleep walking. he then publicly posted one of my replies to him (in which I’m being really nasty and arguing with him about it).

at this point two of the people I was close to at the time proceeded to step in. tumblr was great because you could send anonymous messages very easily. one messaged him as himself: telling him not to be a dick and take this post down(or something like that), and the other decided to message him multiple times anonymously… but typing in different ways… calling him a rapist as a scare tactic to get him to take the post down – obv thinking my ex would think it was his followers. I had nothing to do with that, this friend was one of the few standing up for me… but unfortunately that actually caused more pain for me in the long run than it did for my ex.

my ex was an outspoken, charismatic and generally well liked person – and I was shy, reserved, appearing bitchy, judgemental and up myself because of my social anxiety. he obviously panicked and believed that I had told a bunch of people that I had been raped… which was never true. I was molested and never claimed anything different to the very few people I chose to tell. but he told a lot of people that I was claiming that he raped me, seemingly out of the blue. he never had to admit to anyone or himself that he did something wrong, that he molested me in a tent while I slept.

rape is an awful thing, I consider myself very lucky that I have never been a victim, and have the hugest sympathy for anyone who has been through such a serious thing. a moral person does not lie about rape or sexual assault. unfortunately the people who were told about the situation by my ex and myself admittedly made it all worse. But when the subject of rape was brought up, instead of my ex, I was the one that was shunned, judged, called a cunt in the hallways, I lost most of the close friends I had at the time (including all the ones who were present when it happened). those that stuck around and bothered to ask what actually happened are still my best friends today.

this situation caused my isolation, and is heavily linked to my soon to happen afterwards second suicide attempt. all because instead of anyone believing or even bothering to question what happened, I was told that I either must have deserved it or that I made it up for attention.

It’s unfortunately too late for me to stand up and do something. too much time has gone by for this to be taken seriously by anyone. but it doesn’t make the way I was treated okay. it is not okay to tell someone that they are lying, or that because I flirted with him while drunk I was asking for sex. But I slept fully clothed next to him. I was not asking for it. Consent cannot be given when you are unconscious.

It has fucked with my mind for the longest time, and unfortunately effected my future relationships after that point. I became mistrusting, heavily anxious and could not stand physical touch by anyone except someone I truly trusted and knew for a long time. I’m finally standing up for myself and talking about it, because although it was “college drama”, these things can effect you for a long time. we still live in a world that would sooner call a woman an “attention seeker” than question a man for his own immoral actions.

at the end of the day I have only been able to process that something was done to me and that I didn’t ask for it very recently, because of this. And I am angry for the women who have been through worse than I have and remain unable to talk.