A reminder

to not be so hard on yourself.

Don’t expect too much, pick yourself apart or belittle yourself.

Sometimes there are days where all you can do is get up, go to work, maybe eat something. Those can also be the better days. Some days you can’t stomach it at all.

I’ve had a few days lately like that, where I couldn’t get out of bed. Move.. or even eat. And it’s okay, your productivity doesn’t measure your worth.

Just being is enough sometimes.

Suicide prevention day

To anyone who is going through those thoughts, it’s okay and safe to talk. You aren’t alone, as cliche and over-used those words have become please know that it’s true, and that you don’t have to go through this by yourself. Nobody blames you, or believes you’re a burden, you are so worthy of happiness and love. You are also allowed to feel how you do, just please know that it is temporary, this doesn’t have to be the end and there are so many beautiful things to live for.

looking through the hashtag #suicidepreventionday and completely in awe of how many people are posting, speaking, opening up, helping. If we talk we can put an end to the stigma, and that will help in the prevention of suicide. More people would seek help, especially men, if they knew it was okay to speak, or even just to have emotions at all. I recently shared my history with suicide which was deeply uncomfortable and in honesty I haven’t brought myself to look at the post or read it back since, but it is #suicidepreventionmonth and there are so many people who have been in that place too. We are all here.

Solitude.. or isolation

Over the last… well I guess few weeks… maybe months… I don’t know really, I’ve been progressively isolating myself from those around me. In some ways by choice, and some accidental. I guess that the accidental isolation and failure to be there for some of the people that have needed me lead me to isolate myself further.

Lately it’s been the decision to avoid social media for a while… specifically I guess from Instagram and Facebook. There are toxic behaviours that social media platforms encourage. Vanity, ego, materialism, the overwhelming need for the approval of strangers. But it’s not real.

What is real is life outside of a screen, friends in real life (though of course – online friends also matter), life experiences, going out and experiencing it. And not going places or performing good deeds with the pure intention of posting it online for the gratification of others.

I’ve found since stepping away from these applications that my head is less muddled. I am more thoughtful, my memory is better, I am reading, thinking and choosing to learn to try to better myself. Reaching out to loved ones. Paying more attention to my intuition. Questioning how I want to move forward.

But I’m also seeing where I have been failing. Why some friendships have gone without contact for so long. How I have become someone I do not want to be. Sucked into that technological world, you forget about the things that really matter. How I have been running away from my demons, using distractions and not coming to terms with the shit cards I have been dealt this year.

But I’m proud that I’m stepping back from it now, before some of those that matter most to me disappear. I can now focus on facing what I have been running from, and rebuilding my relationship. I let it slip away before and consider myself so lucky to have a second chance at happiness with my partner of 3 years.

When you turn off your phone, or delete the apps and give yourself that solitude it can be a wonderful and fruitful thing – no wonder The Hermit card has brought me solace it is what I need the most 💗

Grateful to this platform

for allowing me to begin exorcising some of my demons.

It’s all about pushing to become a better person, and you can’t better yourself without taking a good look at the past, admitting mistakes, or where you still hurt, and commit to learning the lessons that wait for you see things for what they are.

To self, or to the past.

Yes I have changed. And I believe for the better.

I have seen some shit, been taken advantage of, been used and manipulated and lied to. Taken for a mug. I’ve loved and lost and loved and hated. The last six months of my life have been both the best and the worst. If I could go back in time I would go back to the start of this year and do it all differently. if only it were possible to unmeet someone.

But it isn’t. And I have to live with the decisions I’ve made, and therefore the things that happened to me because of those decisions. but then again so do you. You have to live with yourself. and I wouldn’t be in your shoes for all the money in the world.

But, I will not let what has happened destroy me. Never. You wont have that satisfaction. I will not be hardened, I will continue to love and have joy and happiness, all because I deserve to. I will remain soft as I have always been, but fierce.

So I have changed, because I have chosen to. I will no longer be lied to or walked over, taken for an idiot, twisted around anyone’s finger. I have evolved, i am unshakeable, yet deeply empathic, loving and full of fire.

Nobody will take that away from me.