Every day

is another victory, though it seems small the fact that you are still here is amazing. That you are still breathing, walking this earth, your heart is beating and you are alive. You might not have chosen to still be here but here you are, looking for the good things to live for – no matter how you’ve felt inside. That is so brave and I am so proud of you.

Catching up

Hey guys, I’ve been pretty absent from here lately and slack with posting but it’s for good reasons really because I’m feeling a whoooole lot better in myself than I have been for ages.

Sometimes what you really need is to be alone for a while, and to do you. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing for a change. It’s mad the difference that can make. To take care of your body and remove some of your worries – take a step back and see them for what they are. Survivable.

Just one step at a time. Instead of feeling like the top is endless and unreachable. It’s all about small victories.

Finally feeling like myself again.

It’s been a long time… but I’ve got the shine and motivation back for a change. Now to make it a regular habit to look after me. Even if it means secluding myself from certain habits, people and situations.

♥️

💕Gushy post warning💕

but I never feel like I’m able to fully express how in love I am with this person.

being in love is so amazing, beautiful, uplifting, scary but incredibly safe when it’s with the right person. I have never felt safer with someone, than with this gorgeous guy who knows me completely, calls me out on my crap, but also cares and loves me so deeply.

we were just short of three years together when we ended our relationship (about a year ago now). we both became people we weren’t and we couldn’t communicate. mental health played a huge part in it, but a significant amount was also down to both of our personal failures to communicate with eachother, and hold grudges. we took things out on eachother and saw it as us against one another, not us vs a problem.

we both tried to move on with other people, and it just wouldn’t work. outright denial and both repressing how we really felt and acting like it was fine. almost 9 months later we bumped into each other at a festival… and it was undeniable. how can you deny still being in love with someone you shared everything with for years.

it hit me like a ton of bricks, even though I had tried to move on… it just wasn’t possible. have you ever pretended to be okay with something that cut you up inside so much that you just fully repressed it and weren’t even aware that you were still hurting??! I didn’t deal with the ending of our relationship until this point, until I saw that beautiful face and had to try to act like I was his friend… and I couldn’t leave my bed for two days I was broken hearted.

Luckily he felt the same way, we have both shared with eachother the explicit pains of the time we spent apart from eachother. and I consider myself incredibly lucky that this amazing person who has seen and helped me grow so much (when we started dating in 2014 I was 20 omfg) and lifted me through every hard experience… that he is back in my life to stay.

He is the one that consoled me when my childhood pet died, covered her body for me when I couldn’t face her and pulled me through the panic attack brought on by my suddenly finding her dead while my parents were away. He has talked me through countless meltdowns, listened to my whining, took care of me every time I was sick or had a bad period pain (I have them really bad sometimes I can’t even move). He came to my graduation, he took me to Paris and treated me to a day at Disneyland. He’s loved me throughout… plus he is the reason I was able to impulse buy my kitten – she was OURS and losing him felt like our little family had broken up. He has seen and helped me grow from a depressive, self righteous 20 year old who wouldn’t listen, into someone that is at least a bit better than that nearly 4 years later. He was and continues to be… my first real love.

Our relationship before we broke up was far from perfect, but that’s because we stopped communicating about things and we both lost a best friend in doing so. Love is hard, it takes work from both parties, it takes courage and understanding, being willing to listen and trust. And not sharing your mental health and communicating with that person can lead to a toxic environment and you can hinder something truly special if you don’t confide in your partner.

Our relationship now isn’t perfect either, no relationship is. but my gosh is it so much happier and healthier than it was before. I’m so genuinely happy with him that I just wanna cry. Love is beautiful, especially a true, honest, trusting, goofy best friend and lovers unconditional type of love.

(He will hate me for uploading this fucking adorable picture of his face but idc I love it)

My game, my rules

“We’re all captains of our own ships, sailing our blood vessels through the sea of life. Sometimes we sail into raging storms of negativity, fear, hatred or depression. But it’s the water outside that keeps you afloat, take it on board and you’ll sink.

These are my ships rules:

Rule one – life is a game. Everyday remember this mantra; my game, my rules.

If you’re not playing your own game and making up your own rules, then you’re playing someone else’s. And most likely bein’ played. And some people play fucked up nasty games. Personally, I like mine to be all a bit of fun.

Rule two – life is a dance: enjoy it. Dancings fuckin ace, I love dancing. It powers up your happy and makes you into a positive energy machine. If you’re full of good energy then nothin’ can touch you if you keep it that way, not really. When you’re dancin in a club, the music doesn’t stop when someone treads on your foot, and neither do you.. so why do it at any other time? Dance through life, and enjoy every fuckin’ step.

If the worlds not playing your kinda music then sing your own song, as loud as you can and dance to your own rhythm. The right people will eventually hear your tune and join in, or you’ll just dance alone and be happy that you’re not copying someone else’s steps. Beat out the rhythm of your heart, and make your mark on life an awesome tattoo, not a scar.

Rule three – life is magic. We’re all magic thought wizards, individual sparks of a divine consciousness co-creating a shared reality with our magic wizard brains. Our brains are both a receiver and a transmitter. Projecting our intentions out into the universes all ears, and will give us what it thinks we’re asking for. So pay attention to the thoughts and deeds you pour into your world, they are the influence you exert on our collective reality.

Choose your mood, make your own happy, beam out smiles, and never stop creating. We’re the most creative things we know of and we endlessly come up with ways of gettin’ something else to do it, or someone.

Get stuck in. Make mistakes, and turn them into lessons. That’s what they’re for and how we learn to grow our wings.. and we need wings. We are the caterpillar, life is our cocoon. No matter what your views on religion and spirituality they all boil down to one thing: we don’t have a fucking clue, and never will until it’s over. Choose the view you like and let others choose theirs, but they all boil down to the forces of awesome and the forces of bastard. Good vs evil. Positive vs negative. We’re made out of the potentiality for both – it’s up to us to decide our measures. So feed the right habits.

Armageddon isn’t happening outside in the world, we might think its the end of the world but that’s because it just might be the end of ours. It’s playing out individually in all our heads you see. We get to choose the outcome with the way we behave. Be your own god and your own devil: he’s got all the best tunes anyway.

Look out for the people the universe puts in your path, they’re there to help us.. or for us to help them… it’s secretly both shhhh. Be nice, the universe nice’s back. And if it ever gets a bit much, just go outside and smile at a stranger. Catch their eye and spread some happiness: you’ll get it back tenfold. Because if you want to make your world better, you’ll make it better for the others around you.”

By Slamboree & The Rev. Captain Liability.

This song came on as I was driving home, and although this was sent to me by a dear, caring and wonderful individual at a time when I was feeling very lost… today is the first time I really absorbed it.

Listening to your body

When you look at yourself in the mirror, instead of thinking about how your body looks.. instead ask it how it feels.

How do you feel?

Are you stressed or anxious? Do you have physical pain? Is there a knot in your stomach? Are you feeling slow? Lethargic?

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Are you eating well, are you surrounding yourself with positive people and situations. Are you happy, where you are? If not… how can you take steps towards becoming happy?

Your mental health can really sneak up on you if you forget to care for your physical being. Something I’m now learning and pushing through. Even if you can’t bring yourself to exercise or eat perfectly, you can still drink plenty of water, maybe take a multivitamin each day and try not to eat too many naughty things! It won’t cure anything, but it can sure help how you feel on the inside.. which can impact your mental health in the most positive way.

Think about what your body needs to survive, and whether you are giving it exactly that, or if you’re failing to… why?

A reminder

to not be so hard on yourself.

Don’t expect too much, pick yourself apart or belittle yourself.

Sometimes there are days where all you can do is get up, go to work, maybe eat something. Those can also be the better days. Some days you can’t stomach it at all.

I’ve had a few days lately like that, where I couldn’t get out of bed. Move.. or even eat. And it’s okay, your productivity doesn’t measure your worth.

Just being is enough sometimes.

Suicide prevention day

To anyone who is going through those thoughts, it’s okay and safe to talk. You aren’t alone, as cliche and over-used those words have become please know that it’s true, and that you don’t have to go through this by yourself. Nobody blames you, or believes you’re a burden, you are so worthy of happiness and love. You are also allowed to feel how you do, just please know that it is temporary, this doesn’t have to be the end and there are so many beautiful things to live for.

looking through the hashtag #suicidepreventionday and completely in awe of how many people are posting, speaking, opening up, helping. If we talk we can put an end to the stigma, and that will help in the prevention of suicide. More people would seek help, especially men, if they knew it was okay to speak, or even just to have emotions at all. I recently shared my history with suicide which was deeply uncomfortable and in honesty I haven’t brought myself to look at the post or read it back since, but it is #suicidepreventionmonth and there are so many people who have been in that place too. We are all here.