Forgiving yourself for your mistakes…

last night I had a really vivid dream about an ex-best friend, and it was the most surreal dream I’ve had in a long time. We had both changed, in a lot of ways I didn’t quite recognise her but I knew it was her. She had dyed her hair pink, she had even changed her style to more of a punky skater chick. She looked really good, glowy even, like she used to.

The thing was, in this dream we both confronted the uncomfortable feeling between us in a really grown up way. Enough time had gone by that we had both forgiven one another for all our previous mistakes. It was so strange to have this dream almost in the future. We had a conversation as we were at a party, we even hugged, and then moved on in our separate ways.

When I woke up I felt so warm and content… like it had happened, like closure, and when I realised it hadn’t it was like a sinking all over again. It’s such a weird thing to miss someone this way, especially someone that wasn’t necessarily a boyfriend or relationship. We kinda associate heartbreak and mourning with death or romantic love, but you can mourn the end of a friendship almost in the same way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this person, and about other people that I am no longer in contact with. And the difference to how I see them all now as opposed to just a few months ago is amazing. I’ve spent so long demonising people that I feel have done me wrong, that it clouded my own perception of how things happened. You do find that you look back at these times and it hurts your stomach physically to think “fuck, I was that person, I treated someone this way, I acted in that way and it may have caused this…” etc etc. Doing inner shadow work kindof does this, I guess it’s how you know you’re not that person anymore?

Everyone has a reason for acting the way that they do, whether they say hurtful things to you because they feel that you started it, whether it stems from childhood insecurities, or they might just not be a nice person. There’s no telling for sure I guess, because nobody has the same soul you do. Nobody thinks in the same way as you. That seems like a part of growing and letting old pain and hurt go, sometimes you have to forgive yourself for your own mistakes and causing pain or continuing a cycle of ignorance. Holding on to things like this just poisons you over time I think.

I don’t really know what the point in posting this here was… grasping for that amicable closure by releasing it here I guess. At the end of the day, Im now in a place where I wish well on anyone that I no longer know, whether they’ve hurt me or I’ve hurt them, or just simple growing apart. There’s no time to hold on to these feelings of bitterness or resentment, it just ends up poisoning yourself and your own happiness in the long run.

It’s been a while!

Hey guys!!

I’ve ducked out of posting on here over the last little while, I guess I lost my momentum and told myself if I’m not posting every day I shouldn’t post at all. And that’s not really realistic for most of us haha

Over the last month or so things have really turned on their heads. I’ve been thrown into a situation that I’ve been desperately wanting to be in, but I’ve been procrastinating in my comfort bubble and it is really scary because I’m now forced to step out of that, and decide what I want to do with my life etc etc.

And I’ve naturally headed towards the only thing I really do that I’m passionate about (besides art I guess ha) and that is mental health. I’ve felt at times like the ability to post so freely about my experiences has been a reason why I am still here. What’s the purpose of living if you can’t help other people, or have a positive impact on someone else? And I am now in a place where I may soon be able to do that every single day in a challenging but also rewarding way.

I guess just checking in to say HEY, I’m fine still here and have a lot to look forward to, because now I know what I want from my life and I’ll do all that I can to get there 💪🏻

Every day

is another victory, though it seems small the fact that you are still here is amazing. That you are still breathing, walking this earth, your heart is beating and you are alive. You might not have chosen to still be here but here you are, looking for the good things to live for – no matter how you’ve felt inside. That is so brave and I am so proud of you.

Catching up

Hey guys, I’ve been pretty absent from here lately and slack with posting but it’s for good reasons really because I’m feeling a whoooole lot better in myself than I have been for ages.

Sometimes what you really need is to be alone for a while, and to do you. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing for a change. It’s mad the difference that can make. To take care of your body and remove some of your worries – take a step back and see them for what they are. Survivable.

Just one step at a time. Instead of feeling like the top is endless and unreachable. It’s all about small victories.

Finally feeling like myself again.

It’s been a long time… but I’ve got the shine and motivation back for a change. Now to make it a regular habit to look after me. Even if it means secluding myself from certain habits, people and situations.


💕Gushy post warning💕

but I never feel like I’m able to fully express how in love I am with this person.

being in love is so amazing, beautiful, uplifting, scary but incredibly safe when it’s with the right person. I have never felt safer with someone, than with this gorgeous guy who knows me completely, calls me out on my crap, but also cares and loves me so deeply.

we were just short of three years together when we ended our relationship (about a year ago now). we both became people we weren’t and we couldn’t communicate. mental health played a huge part in it, but a significant amount was also down to both of our personal failures to communicate with eachother, and hold grudges. we took things out on eachother and saw it as us against one another, not us vs a problem.

we both tried to move on with other people, and it just wouldn’t work. outright denial and both repressing how we really felt and acting like it was fine. almost 9 months later we bumped into each other at a festival… and it was undeniable. how can you deny still being in love with someone you shared everything with for years.

it hit me like a ton of bricks, even though I had tried to move on… it just wasn’t possible. have you ever pretended to be okay with something that cut you up inside so much that you just fully repressed it and weren’t even aware that you were still hurting??! I didn’t deal with the ending of our relationship until this point, until I saw that beautiful face and had to try to act like I was his friend… and I couldn’t leave my bed for two days I was broken hearted.

Luckily he felt the same way, we have both shared with eachother the explicit pains of the time we spent apart from eachother. and I consider myself incredibly lucky that this amazing person who has seen and helped me grow so much (when we started dating in 2014 I was 20 omfg) and lifted me through every hard experience… that he is back in my life to stay.

He is the one that consoled me when my childhood pet died, covered her body for me when I couldn’t face her and pulled me through the panic attack brought on by my suddenly finding her dead while my parents were away. He has talked me through countless meltdowns, listened to my whining, took care of me every time I was sick or had a bad period pain (I have them really bad sometimes I can’t even move). He came to my graduation, he took me to Paris and treated me to a day at Disneyland. He’s loved me throughout… plus he is the reason I was able to impulse buy my kitten – she was OURS and losing him felt like our little family had broken up. He has seen and helped me grow from a depressive, self righteous 20 year old who wouldn’t listen, into someone that is at least a bit better than that nearly 4 years later. He was and continues to be… my first real love.

Our relationship before we broke up was far from perfect, but that’s because we stopped communicating about things and we both lost a best friend in doing so. Love is hard, it takes work from both parties, it takes courage and understanding, being willing to listen and trust. And not sharing your mental health and communicating with that person can lead to a toxic environment and you can hinder something truly special if you don’t confide in your partner.

Our relationship now isn’t perfect either, no relationship is. but my gosh is it so much happier and healthier than it was before. I’m so genuinely happy with him that I just wanna cry. Love is beautiful, especially a true, honest, trusting, goofy best friend and lovers unconditional type of love.

(He will hate me for uploading this fucking adorable picture of his face but idc I love it)

My game, my rules

“We’re all captains of our own ships, sailing our blood vessels through the sea of life. Sometimes we sail into raging storms of negativity, fear, hatred or depression. But it’s the water outside that keeps you afloat, take it on board and you’ll sink.

These are my ships rules:

Rule one – life is a game. Everyday remember this mantra; my game, my rules.

If you’re not playing your own game and making up your own rules, then you’re playing someone else’s. And most likely bein’ played. And some people play fucked up nasty games. Personally, I like mine to be all a bit of fun.

Rule two – life is a dance: enjoy it. Dancings fuckin ace, I love dancing. It powers up your happy and makes you into a positive energy machine. If you’re full of good energy then nothin’ can touch you if you keep it that way, not really. When you’re dancin in a club, the music doesn’t stop when someone treads on your foot, and neither do you.. so why do it at any other time? Dance through life, and enjoy every fuckin’ step.

If the worlds not playing your kinda music then sing your own song, as loud as you can and dance to your own rhythm. The right people will eventually hear your tune and join in, or you’ll just dance alone and be happy that you’re not copying someone else’s steps. Beat out the rhythm of your heart, and make your mark on life an awesome tattoo, not a scar.

Rule three – life is magic. We’re all magic thought wizards, individual sparks of a divine consciousness co-creating a shared reality with our magic wizard brains. Our brains are both a receiver and a transmitter. Projecting our intentions out into the universes all ears, and will give us what it thinks we’re asking for. So pay attention to the thoughts and deeds you pour into your world, they are the influence you exert on our collective reality.

Choose your mood, make your own happy, beam out smiles, and never stop creating. We’re the most creative things we know of and we endlessly come up with ways of gettin’ something else to do it, or someone.

Get stuck in. Make mistakes, and turn them into lessons. That’s what they’re for and how we learn to grow our wings.. and we need wings. We are the caterpillar, life is our cocoon. No matter what your views on religion and spirituality they all boil down to one thing: we don’t have a fucking clue, and never will until it’s over. Choose the view you like and let others choose theirs, but they all boil down to the forces of awesome and the forces of bastard. Good vs evil. Positive vs negative. We’re made out of the potentiality for both – it’s up to us to decide our measures. So feed the right habits.

Armageddon isn’t happening outside in the world, we might think its the end of the world but that’s because it just might be the end of ours. It’s playing out individually in all our heads you see. We get to choose the outcome with the way we behave. Be your own god and your own devil: he’s got all the best tunes anyway.

Look out for the people the universe puts in your path, they’re there to help us.. or for us to help them… it’s secretly both shhhh. Be nice, the universe nice’s back. And if it ever gets a bit much, just go outside and smile at a stranger. Catch their eye and spread some happiness: you’ll get it back tenfold. Because if you want to make your world better, you’ll make it better for the others around you.”

By Slamboree & The Rev. Captain Liability.

This song came on as I was driving home, and although this was sent to me by a dear, caring and wonderful individual at a time when I was feeling very lost… today is the first time I really absorbed it.

Listening to your body

When you look at yourself in the mirror, instead of thinking about how your body looks.. instead ask it how it feels.

How do you feel?

Are you stressed or anxious? Do you have physical pain? Is there a knot in your stomach? Are you feeling slow? Lethargic?

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Are you eating well, are you surrounding yourself with positive people and situations. Are you happy, where you are? If not… how can you take steps towards becoming happy?

Your mental health can really sneak up on you if you forget to care for your physical being. Something I’m now learning and pushing through. Even if you can’t bring yourself to exercise or eat perfectly, you can still drink plenty of water, maybe take a multivitamin each day and try not to eat too many naughty things! It won’t cure anything, but it can sure help how you feel on the inside.. which can impact your mental health in the most positive way.

Think about what your body needs to survive, and whether you are giving it exactly that, or if you’re failing to… why?