and this one is mine. I choose to own my story by sharing it, because that way it can’t control me, and I no longer fear what people will think of me.
TW: social anxiety, depression, anorexia, SH, attempted S
I grew up a painfully “shy” girl. I put up a post the other day which about summed it up, but in short I have severe social anxiety which when I was young developed into selective mutism. I couldn’t physically speak to most people until a series of interventions with a couple of the amazing lady teachers at my primary school. But up until the last three years of my life I was still unable to speak to people I didn’t know well. I would finally be diagnosed with severe social anxiety and depression when I was 19.
I developed anorexia from the age of 14, something that I still struggle with but have been in remission since last December. That’s a big deal for me, I’ve only skipped maybe a handful of meals since then, which anyone who knows the feeling knows how difficult that can be not to slip back into. I still look at myself sometimes and hate what I see, I want to go back to 6.5 stone. I’m currently 8.5 which is my healthy weight though, and I need to remember that I am not fat, i am healthy.
Starting to realise that 14 was a bad age for me – I am 24 years old and have just passed the 10 year anniversary of my first attempt at taking my own life. A botched attempt at overdosing, loss of consciousness and waking up a few hours later, being sick, then carrying on with nobody in my family or my few friends knowing or noticing.
After that things seemed to get better, but I would soon be put on a hormonal contraceptive (Rigevidon which should NOT still be in circulation for sooo many reasons) which would drastically worsen my depression. I was in a perpetual mood swing, always tired, angry and would switch at the drop of a hat. My poor partner dealt with the brunt of it always, and I stopped taking it after a full blown mental breakdown followed by a heated argument with him… all because my mum suggested that it might be effecting my mood. I’ve not touched it since and never will.
I’d make a second attempt at ending things while I was in college, and developed my method of self harm.. mainly using hot water on my hands. Something I’ve lately been falling back to I’m ashamed to say. But it’s better than the other option of razors. My scars are almost unseeable now and I don’t want to make more… not really.
I’ve lost sight of why I’m putting this here. I guess what I want to say is that I’ve been depressed, anxious, suicidal, and in some ways I still am. The last year of my life is the closest I’ve been to that place in a long time. Many bad habits I’m still going back to and I feel like a hypocrite and a failure, I want to promote positivity but I feel so tired. I am still struggling and feel like I can’t be fully honest about that. I guess that’s what this blog is for though… to really talk about it.
But these days I know there is always something worth seeing tomorrow. There is good to come if you can face those thoughts and feelings, just to not allow them in to stay.